The Mask: MI2 Parody
by illigitimate luv child
Summary: This story confronts the real issues, for one, how pathetic MI2 really was! If there was a flaw in MI2 this story mocks it. A Complete cop out of MI2, those who like Tom Cruise or are offended easily have been warned. Rating may go up in further chapters
1. Default Chapter

Author's Note: Just a short default chappy, enjoy.

Disclaimer: Don't own anything to do with MI movies or Tom Cruise and proud of it.  
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**Camera skims over Sydney, Australia. Opera house and settles on a building that's supposedly Biocyte Pharmeceuticals. **

_Shows an old hairy man doing something strange with his hands and some large handcuffs. _

**Voice over: **Well Dmitri, every search for a hero must begin with something every hero requires; a villan , therefore in our search for a hero; Bananaphone. We created a monster; chimera.

_Hairy old man injects a questionable substance into himself. _


	2. Chapter 1: My Best Friend

Author's Note: Yeah, another shorty, enjoy. Next chapter will be longer, but bear with me for now.

Disclaimer:I pity the person who owns MI2.**

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Scene change to a bag being carried. Hairy old man is carrying. His watch is counting down; 19:47:15, 19:47:14, etc.**

**Voice over: **I beg you Dimitri, come to Sydney and accompany me to Atlanta immediately. However we travel I must reach my destination within 20 hrs of my departure.

_Hairy old man goes outside and sees blurry children singing 'ring a ring a rosy' around a statue. _

**Scene change to Airport. Bag goes on the x-ray conveyor belt.**

**Guard:** What's this, then? (holding up urn).

**Hairy old russian: **My best friend.

**Guard:** (shutdown) oh.


	3. Chapter 2: This is your captain speaking

Author's Note: Yeah, not much to say, apart from R&R, I wanna know what you guys think.

Disclaimer: Don't own MI2, gladly.**

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Scene change to plane's cabin.**

**Captain:** Folks we're a little over two and a half hours from touchdown in Atlanta, but if you look to your left...

_Everyone looks to left, plane tips towards the left, then straightens._

**Captain: **Hahaha, had you going there. And anyway, we'll soon be crossing the southern section of the Rocky Mountains, a range which includes more than 50 peaks rising above 14,000 feet. And you're not really listening, because no one ever lisens to the captain, but might I remind you who is actually flying the plane.

_Ethan Hunt is sitting next to the Hairy Russian, otherwise known as Dr Nekwhorevich. _

**Ethan:** You keep looking at your watch as though your life depended upon it, have you ever flown before, doctor...

**Nekwhorevich:** Ya?

**Ethan:** You're nervous is it your first time?

**Nekwhorevich:** No I've been nervous before.

**Ethan: **Uhuh, right well don't worry you'll soon be with old friends.

**Nekwhorevich: **I'm with an old friend now. (places hand on Ethan's thigh and flutters his eyelashes at him).

_Ethan looks uncomfortable._

**Ethan:** I'm sorry it couldn't be under happier circumstances.

**Nekwhorevich:** Oh no I'm sorry, I didn't know you weren't ... u know.

_Ethan coughs. _

**Nekwhorevich:** You know Gradski thought the world of you.

**Ethan:** He was quite a man. Lovely abs. Did he know that you two had succeeded, before he went to the dark side?

**Neckwhorevich:** Yes, he knew, just -

**Ethan:** not in time to save him.

**Neckwhorevich:** Yes, after you've lived with Chimera for twenty hours, the dark side doesn't seem so bad. Not even Bananaphone can't save you.

_Neckwhorevich pats his bag._

**Ethan: **You carry them together? Safely?

**Neckwhorevich:** Huh? Oh no, I'm listening to a song that's got a great beat to it. But you're going to get us to a safe place anyway.

**Captain:** This is your captain again. We're experiencing a slight drop in cabin pressure. What! That much! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! I mean, stay calm everyone, never fear I will ... fix this problem.

_Everyone passes out, despite their oxygen masks._

_Co pilot passes out._

_Ethan comes back._

**Neckwhorevich:** It seems I have a slight problem Dmitri.

_Ethan looks at Neckwhorevich's pants - they're wet._

**Ethan:** You disgust me. Oh and by the way I'm an imposter.

_Ethan grabs the bag and takes off the mask, revealing his true identity - Sean Ambrose (dramatic music, bump bump bump)._

**Ambrose:** Ulrich, pull the Number 2 tank out and dump it, it's potential evidence; they can trace our DNA from our shit.

**Ulrich:** Chya, when'd you figure that out?

**Ambrose:** No I mean our shit, as in faeces. Number 2 tank, go dispose of it.

**Ulrich:** (under his breath) prick.

_Ulrich returns and they parachute out of the plane._


	4. Chapter 3: Mmm crunchy

Author's Note: Yea, this is random. Next chappy will be better, I'm hoping.

Disclaimer: Tom Cruise belongs to Katey Holmes for now, and MI2 belongs to some poor bastard trying to make it big on crap storylines and unnecessary special fx.**

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Scene change to a 6 foot high cliff. The real Ethan Hunt is climbing this and being only 2 foot high it's quite a task for him. **

_Ethan slips. Doesn't seem to care, becuase he's only 4 feet from the ground. A helicopter flies around the 'cliff' for a bit. Ethan keeps climbing. He knocks a lizard flying as he climbs. _

**Ethan:** Whoa.

_Ethan grabs lizard and stops it falling a few feet. Ethan bites it's head off and starts eating it._

**Ethan:** Mmm crunchy.

_Ethan reaches the summit, still chewing on the lizard. Looks to the helicopter - RSPCA is printed on the side. _

**Ethan:** Oh Shit.

_A lady in it fires a traquiliser at him. It hits him in the neck and he passes out. _

**Lady:** (as helicopter flies away) That will teach ya to eat poor defenceless lizards.

_Ethan awakes the next day and sees a pair of pink sunnies in the shape of stars are lying beside him._

**Ethan:** Score.

_He picks them up and puts them on. They scan his retinas. _

**Sunglasses:** Identity Confirmed.

**Swanneck: **Good morning Mr Hunt.

**Swanneck voice over: **You mission should you choose to accept it, requires you to recover a stolen item, designated chimera. Essential to the mission is the recruitment of a civilian - a Miss Nyah Nordoff-Hall. She is a highly capable professional theif and is currently sexually active in Spain.

_Pictures of Nyah flash up while Swanneck talks. However every now and then flashes of porn come up._

**Swanneck voice over:** Her dossier's available on I-COM 3. You have 48 hours to recruit Ms. Nordoff-Hall and meet me in Seville to receive further details. Should you or any member of your MI force be caught or killed, the Secretary will disavow all knowledge of your actions.

_Pictures of warrents and complaints about Nyah flash up on the screen while Swanneck talks, more glimpses of porn._

_Swanneck appears on the screen._

**Swanneck: **And Mr Hunt, the next time you go on vacation, please be good enough to let us know where you are going. This message will self destruct in 5 seconds.

_Sunglasses blow up._

**Swanneck:** Oh did I say 5 seconds? I meant 1. (maliciously). I guess that adds new meaning to the term 'sunburnt'.

**Ethan:** huh? what the hell are you on?

**Swanneck: **Just laugh and play along and nobody will know you haven't got a clue.

**Ethan:** Right, you've been at the dope again, haven't you?

_Swanneck nods and shakes his head and giggles._

_Ethan jumps off the rock. And lands on the camera, it breaks the lens._

**Ethan:** Oops I'm sorry, guys really I am, I'll pay for the damages.

**Cameraman:** This is the 5th time this week! And it's only Monday!

**Ethan:** I didn't mean it, jeez.


	5. Chapter 4: Horny Dwarf

Author's Note: Here it is, chapter 4. I don't know if it's any good, so plz tell me your thoughts through the reviewing :D. Speaking of which, I would like to thank my very first reviewer for this parody - Aniah. Thankyou very much. Anyways, here it is. Oh and for those who have read my 'Troy:A History A Legacy A Parody' will recognise a very important character in this chapter.

Disclaimer: Don't own MI2, but I do own the scotsman. **

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Scene change to a private party in Spain... somewhere (it's private)**

_Flamenco dancers on a table, tapping their heels and canastas. Pull poles out from under their skirts and begin poledancing. Ethan is intrigued by this and circles the table curiously. Nyah believes he is looking at her. And looks the same way back. However, Ethan is subtley looking up the flamenco dancers' skirts, searching for where they kept the pole._

_Nyah disappears up the stairs. Lots of random shots of feet and hands. Nyah puts gloves on, runs across the landing and starts to wish she wore a bra. Opens door and enters the bedroom. She tries to find the bath using a compass. _

_Nyah breaks into a vault using her anz keycard, lipstick and an soccer ball inflation needle. _

**Ethan:** I see you've found it.

**Nyah:** What are you doing here?

**Ethan:** You think you're the only one who can pick their nose?

**Nyah:** Uh... what has that got to do with anything?

_Scotsman walks out of bathroom starkers. _

**Scotsman:** He's got a point their lassy.

_Scotsman leaves room._

**Nyah: **Not just a pretty face after all.

_They hear a noise. Nyah pushes Ethan into the bath. Typical shovanistic bastard, has to relate it to sex, but then again, there are several ways they could have hidden without the inuduendos in every sentence. _

**Ethan: **Hey, there's water in the bath.

**Nyah:** (underwater) No shit sherlock.

**Ethan: **Oh. Lifts Nyah up out of the water.

**Nyah: **Do you mind if I'm on top?

**Ethan:** Either way works for me, it's not gonna make a difference, I'm still a super horny dwarf.

_Nyah, in the most sexual way, changes places. _

_Man leaves room and Nyah wriggles up and sits on Ethan's face. _

_She uses her inflation needle to pick the lock on the vault._

**Ethan:** You'll never find it there.

**Nyah:** Dammit. (drops her inflation needle and it lands in Ethan's eye).

**Ethan:** Godammit woman!

**Nyah:** Are you going to tell me where to find it.

**Ethan:** (voice muffled, from under her skirt) Sorry, my mouth's kinda full at the moment.

_Nyah moves back._

**Ethan: **Far left.

_Nyah looks down at Ethan who's facial expression looks as though he's getting head._

**Nyah: **This is very disconcerting.

**Ethan: **Hey you put me here, I just do as I'm told. Am I a naughty boy, will you spank me, will you whip me?

**Nyah:** Right.

_She elbows him in the family jewels._

_Ethan rolls around clutching his groin and writhing in pain and looking for sympathy, but receiving none. _

**Nyah:** Shovanistic bastard.

_Nyah picks lock, grabs necklace and puts it down her top._

**Ethan:** That is so hot.

**Nyah:** Now who are you, and what it gonna cost me?

**Ethan:** I wouldn't do that?

**Nyah:** What?

**Ethan:** Ask me what you can give me for my silence.

**Nyah:** Horny dwarf.

_Ethan goes pale and tries surpressing his anger. Alarm goes off._

_Lots of people rush into the room._

**Man:** It is Mr Hunt, apologise!

**Ethan:** No there's no need.

**Man:** I meant you need to apologise.

**Ethan: **Oh, sorry. As I was saying, my associate Miss Hall has your necklace in a very (looks at Nyah's chest and remembers what he was saying) safe place. But we feel that the alarms should have gone off sooner. Isn't that right Miss Hall?

**Nyah:** Oh yes, much much too long I'd say (looks at Ethan's crotch).

**Ethan:** Under the circumstances I'd say we should resetting the sensors to respond to a lighter load. How do you feel about 40 kilos Miss Hall?

**Nyah:** Are you trying to say I'm fat! (suddenly angry)

**Ethan:** Uh... no. (thinks, but now that you mention it).

**Nyah:** Oh, 40 kilos is perfect.

**Ethan:** Shall we (his pants fall down).

_Ethan scuttles off to the bathroom._

_Emerges a little later, blushing._

_Ethan clears throat and Nyah takes his hand._

**Ethan:** Haven't you forgotten something.

_Nyah looks puzzled._

**Ethan:** The necklace.

_She pulls is out of her top._

**Man:** What are you trying to do? Rob me?

**Nyah:** The thought had crossed my mind.

**Scene change to outside**

**Nyah:** ok I'm missing something, aside from (girly giggle) a brain.

**Ethan:** At least you can walk. Damn, you sitting on me in the bath has really taken it's toll.

**Nyah:** (rolls eyes) I knew it! You do think I'm fat! If you weren't going to let me get away with it why'd you let me go through with it?

**Ethan:** I'm a guy, who says no to a pussy on their face?

_Nyah rolls eyes again._

_Valet drives up with her car._

**Nyah:** You couldn't possibly want me after tonight's performance.

**Ethan:** You didn't do too badly. (licks lips) Tasty.

**Nyah:** Apologising for me, quite the gentleman.

**Ethan:** Not really, I triggered the alarm. Sorry.

**Nyah:** I don't do laundry, cook, or put up with cheeky bastards who set me up on their territory so they can poach on mine.

_She does a burnout._

**Ethan:** (yells after her) And no one calls me a dwarf and gets away with it!


	6. Chapter 5: In need of a screwing

**Scene change to Nyah cruising along in a moped. Listening to The Ketchup Song. **

_Nyah's 'car phone' rings._

_Nyah looks at it and decides to answer it._

**Nyah: **Yello?

**Ethan:** Would you mind slowing down? I can't keep up.

_Ethan is driving a kid's peddle pushed red corvett, even though the car is small he fits perfectly into it, three guesses why._

**Nyah: **Where'd you get this number. I don't even have it.

**Ethan: **I find that very hard to believe. (waves phonebook in the air, but drops it and it flies back and hits another car's windscreen). Oh shit. (calls back to car that has swerved off the road and down a cliff) Sorry.

_She hangs up, phone rings again. She doesn't answer it._

_Ethan uses all his effort to peddle his way up beside her. _

**Ethan:** Pull over and listen to me, will you? Just listen... In fact you don't even have to listen, just look like your listening.

**Nyah:** Listen to what?

**Ethan:** I need your help, and I think you can use mine.

**Nyah:** Your help? What are you talking about?

**Ethan:** Look at you, you're a friget bitch, you need a screwing, and soon.

**Nyah:** Oh bloody hell you're a spy.

_Nyah speeds off._

**Ethan:** Ahh shit. (peddles as hard as he can).

_Ethan keeps ringing her. A strange fog drops suddenly and unexpectedly on the road._

_Ethan looks at the 'GPS' sticker on his dashboard. There's a really tight curve ahead. Nyah couldn't possibly make it at that speed._

_Nyah reaches curve, spins car and opens door. Falls off a cliff. Ethan jumps from his toy car and dives after Nyah. _

_Predictably she's hanging on to the door handle. _

_Ethan grabs her wrist. _

**Nyah:** Well this is a bit of a pickle, isn't it.

**Ethan:** Don't look down, just look at me.

**Nyah:** With a face like that I'd rather be looking atmy impending death.

**Ethan:** Fine be that way, dangle for all I care.

**Nyah:** Please I'm sorry, you're right I am a bitch.

**Ethan:** No I said frigit bitch.

**Nyah:** Fine I admit it 'I need a screwing'.

**Ethan:** Really? Well in that case.

_Ethan pulls her up off the cliff face in record time._

**Nyah:** That might have been a little too enthusiastic.

**Ethan:** Hey, I need a screwing as well, do you know anyone that's eager to shag a 2 foot dwarf. And don't say Katie Homes.

Nyah thinks for a minute. Then changes the subject.

**Nyah:** What's your name?

**Ethan:** Does that really matter?

**Nyah:** I never screw anyone I don't know.

**Ethan:** I'm Ethan, you're Nyah. Now let's get on with it.

_Ethan and Nyah make out._

**Cut to next scene**

_Ethan and Nyah are lying in bed._

_Ethan wakes up and rolls over. THUMP. He falls on the floor._

_Nyah laughs._

_Ethan tries to change the subject._

**Ethan:** Uh... uh... what do u have against spies?

**Nyah:** Well, for one your recruiting technique. I mean I have to sleep with a guy who comes up to my knees.

**Ethan:** God you're beautiful.

_Nyah giggles._

_Audience rolls their eyes._

_Ethan and Nyah make out. Nyah forgetting Ethan's height._


End file.
